Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Walked downtown. Haircut at 4pm with Kaylin. Stopped at the pharmacy and got my three month supply of Geodone. Then into hair salon.

Kaylin was serious. Glasses and hair braided around the crown of her head, pulled in back with high, short ponytail. No stray hair to impede her view. Skin the color of coffee with a lot of cream in it. I kept on saying to her, "shorter bangs, shorter bangs, out of my eyes." Apparently for $6 you can stop in and have just the bangs trimmed. Honestly, will probably do it myself. But oh, how great my hair looked after she put styling gel in it and then carefully blow dried it. The blow drier had a huge head attachment on it, to diffuse the air, and she would take a long piece of my hair, twirl it, and then twirl it again against the diffuser. My hair ended up full and wavy. She showed me the different ways I could style my bangs. I tried to explain that I shower before bed, put something in it to avoid frizzies, fall asleep with wet hair (this makes a wet pillow) and then wake with dry hair. That is how far I go to style my hair.

When I got outside it was gently snowing and dark. Went a couple of shops down the street to a second hand store. Felt fabulous darling. It is an upscale second hand store, meaning, they steam all their second hand clothing and sell it with new clothing mixed in. Bought two suit jackets to wear with jeans and two sweaters. Both sweaters hugged my curves. Came home and worried about having curves. Maybe the curves are too big? One sweater was pink and red striped and made out of Shetland wool. Got that one for $16.50. The other sweater was see through yellow and striped with glistening silver. Got the yellow sweater for $10, seeing as perhaps it came from H&M. Have to wear it with a silk underlining. I like wearing underlinings, they add layers of warmth in the winter. The yellow sweater was so thin that it looked good under both jackets. One jacket was Banana Republic, the other designer Kitkit. Neither jacket can button well, my bosom is too big. So I don't wear them buttoned shut. But I kinda like the feeling of being buttoned shut. Being buttoned shut is being neat and presentable. It is like tucking your shirt into your pants. It is like pulling a knee sock all the way up to the knee. Its like buckling your belt on the perfect notch. If I lose weight my shoulders will be too small but the bosom will be smaller and I can button the jackets shut.

Kaylin and I talked and I told her I was writing a book. She didn't blink when I said that I had started it ten years ago, but was then unable to finish it. She didn't seem to care either when I had no answer what the book was about. Do I say life and death? To say it was a book about mental illness seemed to reflect on me, and out of hiding perhaps comes the fact that I have a mental illness. I simply did not want my hair cutter to know that I had a mental illness. And it just sounds bad, to be writing a book about mental illness. What a downer. If I was so delicate, as to not be able to say what the book was about, you can bet I never for a second considered telling Kaylin that the book was about suicide.

I was perhaps helpful to Kaylin. There is something of our conversation that she may remember. She has a 13 week old german shepherd that has the runs. I explained how my german shepherd can only eat Eukanuba dry food, expensive food that you buy in a pet supply store. Anything cheaper and she gets the runs. Kaylin said that they had taken the dog to the vet and the vet explained that it was allergic to corn and something else. Kaylin knew where the pet supply store was in Keen New Hampshire where I get my dog food. Told her my dog is 8 years old and very healthy - due I'm certain to a life long diet of quality Eukanuba. It was what the police dog trainers fed their german shepherds too.

I warned Kaylin that I had been on the verge of cutting my hair myself. Of course she seemed politely horrified, and said, that if I had done that, I probably would have wound up in the salon anyway after. This is when I said that when I was her age I had shaved my head. More polite horror.

I came home and had weight watcher's for dinner. Worried about those curves being too big. Frozen weight watcher's meals are low in calories. Might have an apple later, before bed.

Really want to drop two more sizes. Maybe three more sizes. Gluttony last night. Half a spinach calzone, a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate ice cream, and a square of chocolate cake. Pre-Menstral-Syndrom. Once a month I have an out-of-control appetite. But tomorrow I'll be back in control.

Want to do a You Tube video when I have lost the weight. I am certain there can be something said about a schizoaffective disorder that hasn't been said yet on You Tube.

Worried about my book being indescribable in polite company. Was really stuck this morning on writing it. Got to a scene where the patient was with her doctor. The doctor was recommending an anti-psychotic and she was refusing it. The doctor said that she was thus a risk for suicide and couldn't be released from the hospital. But the patient knows it is just a waiting game. The insurance money will run out, she can deny many times that she will suicide again, saying it was all a big mistake she made. She knows better now.

What does she really think? Probably that she won't do it again. Does she have any insight? Not much. Living moment to moment. Maybe need an incident to show this type of apathy.

If I'm really stumped on how to continue my book I have to break out the paper and pen and write rough drafts. Am thinking this is the way to proceed right now.

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