Wrote for a good three hours today. Surprised I have any energy left to write this blog. But have been having the most peculiar sleeping patterns. I take my medication each night at 6 or 7pm. Yet last night feel asleep at 7:30pm, the night before at 3:30am. Needless to say, after falling asleep in the wee hours of morning I skipped church because it meant that I would have to get up at 9am, and on less then six hours of sleep, I would be very dopey. So instead of church I slept until almost 1pm. I loath being out in public and having an altered consciousness. Sick or sleepy or medicated I prefer all to endure in private. But this means two weeks in a row I have gone without attending church.
I have very mixed feelings about what I am writing about. I am literally making up a definition of what makes a Saint a Saint. I've finished writing about the types that make it into a mental institution. Point was to detail all the different kinds of people you can find, and yet, you won't find a saint in a mental institution. Will eventually have to go back and add quite a bit to the type that I belong to, namely, the broken, neglected and abused. I haven't been broken, neglected or abused in about 10 to 20 years, so it is a category that I fit into long, long ago. The problem with my description is that it is too short and it is too fantastical. The two paranoid schizophrenics I know both talk sense. They are both kind, dignified people. But perhaps when they were in the hospital they talked nonsense. The recovery that people can make after a hospitalization is enormous. Not in terms of regaining their former place in society though. Only in terms of living a happy life. Usually it has to be a widely simplified life from what they knew before.
I don't think Jim the therapist is going to like my definition of a Saint. He sees everything in terms of the unconscious mind. I say, what happens to a Saint occurs with outside intercession. It isn't the God within appearing, it is the God without conferring. I'm not saying that they (the Saints) are more human, I'm saying that they are less human, and that it is a good thing to be less human, because humans are, as a whole, a nasty and selfish lot. I believe I view myself as a nasty and selfish person. Oh, how I think about the crystal Swarovski brooch I bought for myself for a birthday gift in January, and how it cost, too much money - especially for something so rarely worn. I was selfish, pure and simple. My husband does not see me this way, but oh, I know myself and I am.
Money and how it is spent is on my mind lately because my husband's laptop computer seems to be broken. The screen died. My husband claims the computer itself is working perfectly, all we need do is buy a monitor. I'm thinking, just bite the bullet and buy a whole new thing instead of paying out piece by piece as they die off and need to be replaced. He's been telling me that the hard-drive has been making noise and might go any time. So after the monitor, is this the next thing that will need to be bought?
I think we need to buy him a new computer. We just calculated our tax return and it is twice what my husband estimated the first time he (incorrectly) filled out this year's taxes. Last night we both sat down at the table and I went over every single one of his numbers. I'm proud we could do the taxes ourselves, but let me tell you, it was a joint effort. He managed to get the right numbers in the end, but between, he was lousy. Used a lot of white out.
Thank goodness for the money that is coming in. My computer is working perfectly but then, how long do laptops usually last? I've had this one for three years. How long before I need a new laptop? Laptops are essential in this household, they get used every day. We do the creative work that best defines our very selves on laptops. I'm hoping that because I only use mine to surf the internet and do word processing that somehow I'm not stressing it like my husband stresses his doing visual work.
In the back of our mind we are always asking ourselves the question; are we saving up for a new car? Our car only has 52,000 miles on it, and we don't drive it much, but still, when we need to buy a new car, can we afford one? We aren't making the gains in our savings that we once predicted we would make. And this is mostly because of small spending. Myself, I need to switch to buying thrift store clothing again. I've gotten the worst habit of loving Banana Republic and Nordstrom clothing.
Yesterday I told my husband that all our car worries would be over if I could just sell a book. Estimates on how long its going to take to finish this book? Three years at a steady pace. Maybe five years to make it really excellent. And yet, in my heart, although I know it can get finished, I have no way of knowing if it is brilliant or trash. I've read my husband's great, 6 year novel and I pronounce that it is both brilliant and trash and unpublishable. So I know extremes of talent can be found within one book. And I know that you can write your heart out and still not get published.
Yesterday I despaired and said maybe I should stop church activities and instead concentrate on writing the book. My husband thought that doing this would mean a return of a wife that contemplated suicide too much. It is hard to know what supports one's existence or what gets in one's way. Funny that the two seem so similar. I needed church once, and now that I feel I no longer need it, is this because its working and that is why I feel so free to drop it? Do you start hunting around for a different husband just as soon as you are certain that you love and can't live without the one you have? In me is a struggle to preserve the preciousness of that I have become accustomed to. It seems that for me familiarity breeds contempt. For instance, lately we have been taking the dog on long walks. Do I need a second dog, as I dream of, (but know we can't afford) or do I just need to take better care of the one dog I have and brush her long coat before it snarls? In some ways I'm thankful that I'm a slave to this book, I definitely need to be subjugated and slowed down, walked all over, and thoroughly confounded. I know the truth of the matter in my heart. Nothing in my life need be changed. I just need to do everything with a grain more passion. Love my husband more. Love my dog more. Love my book more. Love my church more. And consume less. Return to the thrift store.