Two Different Kinds of Love

Cherry Blossom lost a baby tooth today and I found her chewing on it. The red blood pulp was still in the tooth. I will save it in a little glass bottle with a stopper. Yesterday I took away from Cherry the toilet plunger (tasty I suppose), a penny, and the corner of a rug that she had flipped over. The day before Cherry chewed on the first book from my husband's library. I was waiting for her to discover the library.

Cherry got neutered last Friday. My husband and I showed her two very different types of love.

The day before the surgery I called the Vet and went over the instructions. What was most important was that Cherry not have food over-night or the morning of the surgery. If a dog eats anything they could vomit and while anesthetized choke on their vomit. So the evening before I instructed my husband to search the ground of our apartment for anything that could be eaten. Mom had visited that day and given her a cookie bone - could we be certain all fragments of the cookie bone had been swallowed? For a while there Cherry was simply walking around with the bone hanging out of her mouth like a cigar. I checked under the bed and removed a marrow bone that had not had all of its marrow taken out. None of her toys were leaking stuffing. After I woke on the morning of the surgery I kept Cherry in her crate, thinking, "as long as she is confined she can't get to anything and swallow it."

However, I found out later that my husband had reacted quite differently to the dangers of Cherry's surgery. The morning of the surgery she had gotten him up at 4am to pee, and he decided, since it could perhaps be his last morning with Cherry, to spend some quality time with her. So by 4:30 am they were walking down a deserted Main Street here in town. Of course there is nothing a puppy loves more than a walk, with all the out-door scents and the physical freedom. We live with houses close by on a semi-busy street and have no back yard, so it is not an option to let Cherry off a leash. My husband thought that this might be his last few hours with Cherry, so he was going to really enjoy her and try to give her the best time of her life.

So I was cautious, a planner, protective, and no fun. My husband was whimsical, impulsive, and lived more of an emotional life. Upon reflection, I think that what my husband did was foolish, because Cherry could have eaten something outside (for instance, cat or dog poop....... and my last puppy would eat dirt) but at least everything turned out well.

I have been bothered by something that seems like hypomania. Two days ago, while I painted, I kept on having conversations with myself. I had all these ideas to do a video and put it on YouTube. I interviewed people in my head. I said (so I thought) funny and provocative things. I had so much energy, but I had paranoia too, which made it difficult to leave the apartment. I was simply afraid of the world outside. And that evening I simply told my husband I felt crazy. I must have said I feel crazy five times. He put on a nature video, with documentaries of animals, very PG, no sex or violence, and the "I feel crazy" claim (with no symptoms except weird energy) sort of diminished.

Last Sunday, the day before I painted and felt crazy, was a beautiful day so my husband and I decided to walk to church. On the walk I was trying to explain to him why the Hieronymus Bosch painting of Adoration of the Magi was so new and different for its time. This is the painting that starts this blog. Take a look and you will notice Joseph scratching his head, two Kings ignoring the babe and having a conversation, two shepherds also pretty much ignoring everything and having their own conversation in the background. And in the far, far landscape, buildings that might be sized right for the 20th century, but that were never seen in the 15th century. Is that the Eiffel Tower I see? But during the walk to church I kept loosing track of my thoughts and falling silent. Twice my husband had to prompt me and tell me what I had been saying, and once I was still lost so my husband repeated conversation from much earlier, to try to help me find the thread of my logic. I said to him "I don't feel bad but my head is not working right" and he agreed.

While in church I still had Bosch's painting on my mind and I thought, "What if I do my own version of Adoration of the Magi? It is a theme that has been repeated though-out history, each artist with their own twist, what would my twist be?" And then suddenly my head was filled with a composition of characters, each with different body postures, and I saw their different clothing as well. It is rather easy because you know that you have the basics of Mary and the baby, Joseph, and three kings all in the setting of a manger. What I saw in my head I know has never been done before, and I was very excited. To make the vision as real as possible I would want to work from photographs, and pose people as my models acting out the gestures that are in my head. Here I met with a stumbling block, because I know so few people and I am shy, it would be hard to ask them to let me photograph them. Also this painting would be large, at least 36 inches square. My limit in scale is around 20x24 inches.

I usually don't get full blown pictures in my head of compositions. And then there was the excitement of spring, warm weather, and a muse, (or hypomania) saying, "Do it, do it, do it!" There would be the fun of drawing different animals in the manger, and then a sky exploding with angels. Yes, I'm afraid the painting would be the largest I've ever attempted, but maybe, if I took it in small steps I could do it. The first step is Easter. I assume I will be visiting my father, and I could take a photograph of him and my husband together and use that to settle the image of two of the three kings. My husband and father would be a great picture because their body types are so different, and contrast is a good thing. Then the next step would be a lunch in May. May is the month when my step-daughter and her boyfriend are scheduled to visit us for lunch, she's about the right age to be Mary and her boyfriend could be Joseph.

I recently got an email from a friend that made me laugh. He said I could print it;

Your plan?......You mean like "I'm going to keep writing til I finish my Vampire book".....or "I'm gonna write a book about living with a schizoaffective person.".........or "I'm going to knit a blanket.".......or, etc,etc,etc........Ha,ha you are funny sometimes........I think a lot of your stress comes from wanting to be accepted by people, and probably people you don't even like anyway.......LOL.......just find a close group of people you like, and just go with it......I can only name about 5 or so people who I would even want to hang around.....and when you pray pray like this.........

Dear God, I know I spend most of
my time painting little creatures
giving blowjobs, and monsters fucking. And
the occasional lady or man getting their
head blown off. And oh yeah, naked animals
with their genitalia hanging all over the place,
but I'm a good hearted woman, I really am. Ok, so
can I have like 100,000$ to go shopping.......

and it shall be yours....ha,ha,ha

suck blood!,

Fangs!

He once gave me the honorary title of Karen Von Drac, since he said that I was a descendant from the highest of all bloodlines, Dracula's, and that is the way I now sign my emails to him.

I then pointed out to him that I do finish paintings, which is why I keep returning to painting. I think the plan I had mentioned to him was to paint for five years, keep the paintings, and then try to get into a NYC art gallery.

If Adoration of the Magi is the biggest boldest painting I've ever attempted, wouldn't it be cool to do a video documentary of me painting it? All I've got is a plan in my head, nothing yet, not even a sketch on paper. I could show the whole progression of the painting, from start to finish, on video.

The only problem with this is the "Crumb Effect". That is a theory I have about mass media and schizophrenia. I'm too tired to explain it now. But I'll make the "Crumb Effect" the topic of my next post.