To The End

Saturday painted for three hours. Painted blades of grass in four different colors and the combination thereof, two types of green, yellow and blue. Tiny brushstrokes. Places of sunlight, places of shade. Looked beautiful when I finished. Had to paint a section that was bound by other colors and textures - sky and rock surrounding the grass. A little slice of my canvass. But the whole little slice had to be done in one whack because there was the lovely process of wet paint blending with wet paint. Wait a day and the colors wouldn't blend right. Too much drying would have occurred.

After I stopped painting I felt dizzy. And I couldn't get out of bed. And then I binged on food. Couldn't stop eating. Had no willpower.

Sunday had a horror of painting because I had depleted myself so badly the day before. I compromised on Sunday - take a shower. And then again laying in bed, this time wet and nude, it took several hours before I had the energy to dress myself. The effects of the three hours of painting were still being felt even after a good nights sleep.

Monday painted again. And today painted again. But each time I painted in small bits, never exceeding two hours.

Will be busy with therapy appointment and a social luncheon the next two days, but when I return to painting I plan on painting again a large section of grass. Same colors, same brushstroke style, same consideration of trying to get as much done as possible while the paint is wet. If I don't finish my section, and I can't imagine finishing, the day after is free to try to get the section finished. It will be a two day push to paint while the colors are mixed, wet and blendable.

I would rather paint than go to therapy or go to a social luncheon with some nice people.

I'm all about focus right now. The painting is almost finished. This state of being almost finished drives me into a frenzy. A very quiet internal frenzy.

I've cut my therapy back from once a week to once every two weeks and I may try to find someone else to lead peer support so I don't have that obligation. I don't go to church anymore so that I can paint. The service is during prime mental focus time.

I'm terrified that if I whittle down my life too much I'm going to be lonely and bored. But I'm so driven to paint, every day I can't paint seems like an inconvenience, unless, the schizophrenia has taken over my mind, in which case, I just watch movies.

Paint, paint, paint every morning. Damn the mornings when I have other obligations and can't paint.

Evenings its my obligation to walk the dog, since we don't have a yard in which for her to run and play. But I like walking the dog because it gives me exercise too.

Paint and walk the dog.

Damn all other obligations.