Had a fight last night with my husband. Waited in the dark on a sofa in the kitchen while he fell asleep on our bed. As always, I have the option not to go to sleep next to him, after a fight I don't particularly wish to be physically near him. The dislike after a fight is visceral, I feel my skin crawl with disgust should my body touch his. I feel free and at peace sleeping by myself in the kitchen. Sometimes sanity and peace is just having your own small private space, all alone, by yourself.
Today during his lunch break he drove home from work to apologize, said he realized that he had been a little rough on me. During this fight I said the least, while he got rather excited and heated and talkative. Sometimes I felt like I was being used as a punching bag. But I'm really good at withdrawing inside of myself. I keep very still and look anywhere but at him. I think giving him no reaction at all is a little bit disappointing to him, but I was tired and thought that things had escalated far enough. After I said how I felt about some issues I had nothing more to say. Your feelings are true, you feel them and they don't lie. Feelings can become exaggerated and balloon in importance or they can fade or die away, but they are usually very legitimate. I think in most fights we try to change the feelings of the other person. We argue and try to be persuasive. But I think you loose moral ground in a fight when you don't stop and respect the feelings of the other person. I think the more I felt disrespected and trampled upon, the quieter I got.
I woke this morning feeling trapped in a marriage. The thing about a marriage is that there are just some things about your partner that you can't change, and that you have to accept. You can remind, nag, complain and be critical, but if you are doing this all the time it feels pretty miserable. You turn into a miserable person. Reacting to your partner keeps you chained to them, you have to say "I'm going to live my own life and let him (or her) do as they please." Really, the only person you have power over is yourself.
A current challenge to me is to keep myself separate and don't interfere in parts of my husband's life. For instance, it is best that I have as little to do as possible with his relationship with his daughter who just turned 25. She's coming over to the house this Saturday and I might take the dog out to the woods or go to the mall by myself, just to avoid her. She's been critical of me and never apologized for the negative things she said. I also feel critical of her and don't wish to say anything antagonistic. I know that I would feel better if she were a less important and powerful voice in my head. My feelings toward her are about as confused and conflicted as any feelings I've ever had toward another person in my lifetime. It's my burden to work them out and to come to some peaceful resolution all without involving her. If I involve her the outcome is clear; I will get rejected and vilified. She's had an abusive step mother before me and thus really doesn't like step-mothers. I've got some cold comfort knowing that my relationship with my parents when I was her age was horrible - and it was mostly my fault for being immature and spoiled. And oh yeah, I was mentally ill and barely medicated. But life tempered me, I grew up, I got from somewhere the idea to respect your elders. Don't know where it came from, but it finally arrived.
I've had a week of making no art. Today I didn't feel like getting out of bed, so I drew in bed. Made a picture. Its looks pretty immature and primitive, but it felt good making it. I think my head cleaned up while I drew.
I'm really in sorry shape. My husband's co-worker went on vacation for a week, and to be nice while he was away, he gave my husband keys to his motorcycle. My husband has been having fun driving it. Today my husband is borrowing a second helmet from a different co-worker, and I know, he wants to go on a ride with me when he gets home from work. Problem is, I can't imagine myself putting my arms around my husband and holding on. It was really nice that he came home and apologized, but I still feel repulsed by him. Its a sunny day out and I could see us together going for walk and giving the dog her exercise. I don't mind his company - I just don't want to touch him very much.
I look forward to drawing tomorrow. Eventually I'll get up the strength to paint again. And eventually I'll forgive my husband.
I just need a little time, and a really simple, slow and easy existence.