Thursday, July 14, 2011


Painted seven leaves on Monday. Worked for three hours to do that, my absolute limit. Had a full and exciting day and then became catatonic at night. Literally, couldn't move or speak, sitting on the sofa with my arms over my bowed head like I was waiting for bombs to be dropped on my head. My husband lifted me, dragged me, and dumped me on the bed. I'm just too heavy for him, he isn't being callous. Then while I was lying in bed he popped a bowl of pop corn for me and after I had worked on that for a while, he brought me a bowl of cherries. And before I could eat, before my evening medication kicked in and dissipated the catatonia he kissed me a lot.

Painted only two leaves on Tuesday. Felt extremely fragile. The big accomplishment that day was taking a shower.

No painting on Wednesday, had to see my therapist and lead the mental illness peer support group. Strange loss of focus and concentration, it felt like I was on the verge of falling asleep all day long. Drank coffee at my therapists, have never done that before, and drank coffee during peer support group in an attempt to be present and upbeat. Coffee kinda worked. After peer support went for a walk with Cherry Blossom in the dark, rather thrilling. She had just started chewing on my husband's camera and his computer memory chips (don't know where she got them from) and managed to save the techi stuff before any damage. But she hadn't been exercised for the day, and my husband and I believed that was the reason for the bad behavior. Our fault, bad parents. While we were out with Cherry we saw all the night life spilling out of the bars downtown.

Painted five leaves today. On each leaf there is a total of six different colors that need to be either blended or outlined, that is why a leaf takes so long to make. Working with two different sized brushes - of course the one that gets used the most is the tiny brush. The average size of a leaf is larger than a dime but not larger than a quarter.

Total so far; 31 leaves finished, 22 leaves yet to go. So I'm over the hump.

Got an email from someone who liked all the pieces from my Zyprexa period. Rather dismal to think that you are less creative on a different medication. Making stuff now that is less appealing to the public. But I was 5 dress sizes larger on Zyprexa with no end to the weight ballooning in sight - and I had a doctor tell me I would die early because I was so overweight. Diabetes, heart disease or cancer - something would come along she promised. Thank God I read on the internet that Pam Wagner lost tons of weight by switching from Zyprexa to Geodone. Thus I asked to be switched from Seroquil to Geodone. Any dose of either Zyprexa or Seroquil causes my appetite to increase to a point where I can't control it. Geodone is a weak drug for me, and it has become apparent that I need maximum dose to live a relatively normal life. This means episodes of schizophrenia that can be controlled with rest and relaxation, no need for hospitalization. The craziness comes, I withdraw from life as much as possible, and then the abnormality and fragility passes and normal thought, behavior, and strength returns. Geodone gives me a pattern of sane and crazy where sane wins, sane takes up more hours of the day.

I'm running out of my Geodone tomorrow. Started the process to get more on July 5th, tomorrow will be the 15th. There was a mix-up by my nurse, and now I am waiting for the insurance company to ok an increase in the dose. It means they have to sell me more pills for the same price. They don't like this, so they make things difficult. They ask for special authorization from my nurse, in addition to her ordering the prescription. Even after she gives authorization it can then take several more days to process. I told the pharmacist that I am schizophrenic and I get suicidal without my anti-psychotic and that I was scared of running out of medication. The pharmacist promised me pills to tide me over. So today I'll call the pharmacy an hour and a half before it closes and see if the insurance company came through. If not I'll walk down to the pharmacy and negotiate for extra pills in person. Its a private, family run pharmacy, so perhaps the humanity potential and client treatment is something a bit better than what you would get from a big chain store pharmacy.

Several days ago my husband was complaining that with a planned walk with the dog I wanted her to do a half an hour down stay in the park. Its harder for the dog to process a command when there are exciting things going on all around, and the park offers more distraction then training in the house. My husband started explaining to me how valuable his free time was, and that he didn't want to waste half an hour in the park. We negotiated; a twenty minute down stay, then ten minutes. I took whatever I could get. But my husband was still peeved and he began to explain to me what all the over time he has been doing translates into extra weeks worked at his job. It was a guilt trip. First time he's ever done that. I started screaming that I was sorry I couldn't work, that I was sorry I was dependent upon him financially, and that I was sorry he had to work over time so that we can pay all our bills. After the screaming, which came on rather suddenly, my husband realized that no amount of guilt he could put on me could equal the guilt and self loathing I already feel. So he calmed down.

And we took the dog for a walk. Suddenly I started thinking that it would be a really good idea to put a bullet in my brain. And I told my husband my idea. It was so impulsive and so compelling that if I had had a gun I would have done it. Life appeared too complicated and too difficult to endure anymore. We walked for about an hour and by the end of the walk the idea and the picture of a bullet in the brain had disappeared. I guess the endorphins of exercise cured me.

This episode happened while on Geodone. I loath to think of the episodes that would happen should I stop the Geodone.

And my husband said that he discovered that the ten minutes in the park that we sat on benches and made my dog do a down stay was really very pleasant. He called it "quality time". We had nice conversation, it was fun to watch the traffic go by. So he isn't adverse to doing it again for a longer period of time.

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